Asbury College

"You Wanna Talk About Our (gulp) . . . RELATIONSHIP???"

There is no way around it: even in our best relationships, working with and relating to another person can be hard work at times. As a college student, you are probably managing relationships with your family, friends, teammates, faculty, hall mates, and sometimes romantic partners, too. While each of these relationships can help you to learn and grow, each also has its own power dynamics and demands (e.g. for time, energy, space, etc.). Because every relationship requires some investment of energy on your behalf, they can also influence the way you feel at any given time. No wonder you're tired!

Here are some things to keep in mind when you're feeling stressed by (or even overwhelmed by) a relationship problem:

• People are in relationships with one another for all kinds of reasons. These include default (your family members, classmates); necessity (your professor or roommate); personal choice (friends, significant others); or happenstance (the loud guy in the seat adjacent yours in the movie theater). Even the most casual relationships with others can affect the way we feel about a situation or ourselves.
• There are two sides in every relationship. Relationship problems often arise when power dynamics are unbalanced or when people view the same situation very differently. When things are going poorly, remember the other person has his or her own story about what is happening, and that story makes sense to him or her too. Resolving a relationship problem frequently requires each person coming to understand the other's perspective and, whenever possible, doing what it takes to bring the relationship back into a respectful balance.
• No one relationship can give you everything that you need. Each person is complex and therefore, it takes some careful balance to manage multiple relationships in a healthy manner.
• Get clear about what you believe the problem to be. Think about it. Write about it. Talk with a counselor who will keep your confidences. Sometimes we're not sure why we're upset, but we know something's wrong. Does it feel like a familiar situation to one you've had in the past? If so, what does that tell you?
• "I statements" are one key to successful communication. Don't blame the other person. Help him or her to understand what you feel and what you would like to have happen. This doesn't guarantee that he or she will understand, or that you'll get what you want; however, the other person will be much more likely to hear you if you speak from your own truth.
• Unstated expectations can be problematic. People in relationships often have different ideas about what the nature of the relationship is, or different expectations about what it takes to keep it healthy. For instance, you may have your own ideas about how much time together (or shared space) is desirable; who else (if anyone) is part of that relationship, or what the ‘red alerts' are when things are going wrong. If people have different expectations about what the relationship means or requires, then jealousy or frustration can result. Hard as it might be at times, it's important to talk it out (not all DTR's have to be fatal!). If you feel strongly about something, draw a boundary (e.g. "Mom, I will call you once a week, but not every day.") It's usually better to know where the differences (of opinion or in need) are than to operate on false assumptions.
• Asking for help is okay, and sometimes necessary. If a relationship is valuable to both parties and you are having difficulty finding a solution, ask for help. Depending on the nature of the relationship, you may want to talk it out with an RA/RD, your professor, your family member, or a professional counselor at the Center for Counseling. If the other party (friend, partner, etc.) doesn't want to come with you, then get help for yourself. Learning to work through relationship problems is a skill that you will need throughout your life, so there's no time like the present to start practicing!