SOME IDEAS FOR FRIENDS OF THE BEREAVED

When a grandparent, parent, sibling or friend of a college student dies, it is often the first time that grief and bereavement are experienced in a personal way.  Certainly there will be other students--roommates and friends-- who have never experienced such a death and do not know how to respond to a grieving student.  The following are some guidelines on how to support a grieving friend.

1.  Remember that following a significant death nearly all bereaved persons experience symptoms of exhaustion and apathy. Since the bereaved spend most of their time trying to come to terms with the death, it is not surprising that they are often tired or find that other topics don't seem as important as their loss.

2.  If you are close to the bereaved person, try to assess the situation.  Does the bereaved person want someone around all the time or does he/she need time alone?  Try to be sensitive and help those less close to the bereaved to meet these needs.

3.  Don't try to defend God.  He doesn't need it and your words will usually upset or anger the bereaved person.  Don't offer platitudes, i.e., "Don't cry, " "He/she's in heaven now," "It was God's will."  Don't quote scripture at length.

4.  Don't use "too many words."  Most newly bereaved persons have a very difficult time concentrating.  They do not expect you to have the answers to all their problems.  A simple "I'm sorry", "I'm praying for you", or even "I don't know what to say, but I care and hurt for you" is usually sufficient.  BE HONEST--if you don't know what to say, giving the bereaved a hug when appropriate is often more than sufficient.

5.  Don't be afraid to cry with the bereaved.

6.  Be respectful of the circumstances.  Don't offer words of condolence and then turn and discuss “trivial” or non-related topics (sports, tests, etc.) with those near you.  This can be upsetting for one who naturally feels the tragedy is the most important thing in the world at the moment.  Let the bereaved lead the conversation.  Especially at first, don'tassume the bereaved wants to be distracted with "current" topics.  Let him/her lead in conversation.

7.  Don't be misled by “strong” behavior.  Often this is the combined effect of shock and prayer support for the bereaved.  The person who seems strong and in control at the funeral or in the first few weeks afterwards needs support just as much as the one who appears distraught.

8.  If appropriate, pray with the bereaved.  Try to keep it fairly brief and simple as mourners have a hard time concentrating.

9.  Look for practical things you can do for the bereaved, e.g., offer to pick up an airline ticket, do laundry, make a delivery, etc.

10.  After the initial period of grief, don't avoid the subject and leave the bereaved with the impression that you have forgotten them and their tragedy.  Feel free to speak of the deceased.  This is often very comforting to the bereaved who may have begun to feel that everyone has forgotten the loss.  Even if they cry, it is usually because they are pleased to find someone who cares.

11.  If you know when the hard times are for the family (birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's or Father's Day, etc.), call or send a note or some cookies--anything that will let them know you still remember and care.

12.  Invite students who have lost a parent to join your family for Parents' Weekend or times when they might feel especially lonely.  Be sensitive about special days, like Graduation, and think about having their family join yours.

13.  Remember the bereaved at unexpected moments, especially during the first two years.  After the excitement of the funeral wanes, most people go back to living their own lives and assume a"business as usual" attitude.  This is an especially lonely time for the bereaved. Send a note through CPO, remember to include the person in your weekend plans, etc. Let him/her know that you care.

14.  If you are able, talk with the bereaved about the grief process. Many have never experienced it before and worry that their reactions are abnormal. If appropriate, help the person find someone he or she can trust to talk to about their emotions.

Specific ways to pray for students in grief:

1. For peace and a sense of God's presence during the funeral, surgery, treatment, etc.  When a parent or loved one is back home and the student is on campus, the student may feel guilty for not being able to be there.

2.  For physical and mental strength to keep up with their work load--especially concentration for studying.

 3.  For good communication between family members and healing for each family member, because death causes an "open wound" in the family. Often serious problems arise because healing does not take place.

4.  For sensitivity from friends and professors--many ignore bereaved students because they don't know what to say or do.

Some helpful books on the topic:

    Elizabeth Brown, Sunrise Tomorrow: Coping With The Death Of A Child (helpful for those grieving a sibling)

  Ruth Kopp, When Someone You Love Is Dying (she's a Christian oncologist; offers insight and practical advice)

  C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed (helpful for understanding death from the perspective of a spouse)

   Granger Westburg, Good Grief (brief overview, easy to read)