Grief Recovery Process
Early Acute Grief Reactions
Denial -- This is the "I just can't believe it"stage. This is usually more pronounced in cases of unexpected death. The bereaved person will often slip in and out of denial during the first few weeks of the experience.
Shock And Numbness -- Temporary anesthetizing often occurs in the first few weeks and is important because the mind needs time and space to accept the death. At first, mourners slip in and out of this stage often. We don't want to believe that the death or grief has occurred and we put up barriers to acceptance in our minds. Full acceptance of a significant death takes a long time.
Emotion -- Not everyone cries at first; but tears usually come at some point during the first few weeks of the grief experience. Don't be afraid to cry or to let someone cry. If you are the friend, don't feel that you have to say something comforting (or anything) when your friend cries. It's enough just to be there and to convey to the person that you are not uncomfortable with their tears. Depending on the situation, you might put your arm around the person while he/she cries or just sit near enough to let the person know you care.
Additional Experiences
Depression -- Sorting through the emotions of grief is extremely time and energy consuming. When you couple these emotions with the demands of the world to "get on" with normal activities, it's not surprising that many bereaved persons experience a period of depression when they think about the deceased a great deal. The question for this period is "Why did it happen?" Persons in this stage are often restless. Some have a decreased attention span or have difficulty sticking with a project long enough to finish. Many claim to feel rather "cut off" from life.
Physical Reactions -- Some people experience physical reactions, e.g., headaches, stomach aches or more major health problems following the death of a loved one. These problems (if they occur) usually happen within the first year following the death. Others panic if they experience such symptoms as a loss of concentration or if they find themselves forgetting things they always remembered. Rather than a cause for worry, mild physical symptoms and minor forgetfulness will soon pass as the bereaved person progresses through the grief.
Guilt, Anger, And Resentment -- Normal guilt or regret is fairly common. This type of guilt occurs when the bereaved regrets some of his/her actions toward the deceased. Because we are human, most of us can recall times when we lost our tempers and uttered a hasty word or times when we were not as loving as we could have been.
Anger and resentment can occur as the bereaved person emerges from depression. It is important to remember that anger and resentment can be an important part of grief. What we do with them makes the difference in how we heal. When we lose something precious, it is a normal reaction to try to understand why this event has occurred. We systematically scrutinize the event and spare nothing to understand why and who is to blame. But if anger is allowed to take over, it will prolong the working through of the grief.
Fading Grief
Memories And Readjustment -- This period often occurs between twelve and twenty-four months after a significant bereavement. At this point the bereaved might appear to"be back to normal," but they also feel the tug to resist returning to their normal routine. Sometimes they have become accustomed to the world of grief and don't feel up to the challenges of our fast-paced life. Or perhaps they see themselves as "the keeper of the flame" and somehow feel it is their duty to preserve the memory of the deceased in a special way--especially if they feel that they are the only one or one of just a few who still remember and care about the deceased.
Time and grace are on the side of the bereaved. Remember that the goal of grief is not to "get over it" (it's not like chicken pox), but to learn to live with it gracefully. As new opportunities or activities come our way, it doesn't betray the deceased to become involved. The death of a significant person in one's life causes permanent changes. Grief will change you as you come to terms with this earthly loss; but the process of grief can make us more open, warm, sensitive, and aware of God's sustaining and healing grace if we allow ourselves to deal openly with it.
