Helping A Friend
When someone we care about is hurting it is often difficult to know what to do. At the Center for Counseling, we are often contacted by students struggling with how to help a friend. Keeping in mind that every situation is unique, here are some general ideas that are applicable in any situation.
Pray
This may seem obvious, but often when we are in the middle of everyday situations, we forget that we have a heavenly Father who is intimately interested in all of us, a God who tells us to bring our concerns to Him. Pray for your friend. Pray with your friend if they ask you to.
Listen
It is hard to resist the temptation to "fix" what is going on with a friend. Often the answer seems so clear to us and we wish our friend would only follow our advice. At times "advice giving" is helpful but most of the time when someone is hurting what they really need is someone who will actively listen and try to understand. Sometimes just listening provides your friend with an opportunity to organize their confusing thoughts and emotions which moves them closer to understanding their problem and discovering their own answers.
Be Compassionate
When people are struggling with emotional problems they often feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed. They may struggle with low self esteem and self criticism. They sometimes feel separated from God and wonder what they are doing "wrong" as a Christian to feel this much hurt. They have often hidden their struggles in order to not feel judged or rejected. Friends who are hurting need compassion not admonishment. People who were damaged were drawn to Jesus not because He chastised them but because He communicated grace and compassion. By listening with compassion, not judgment, you offer your friend a tiny glimpse of God's grace which in turn can give them the encouragement they need to seek God and continue to persevere through the pain.
Learn
Knowledge and information are powerful tools when trying to help a friend. Research the problem your friend is struggling with, and talk to other people who may have come through similar problems. Try to understand a little more of what your friend is dealing with.
Be Wise
Wisdom is very different than knowledge. In helping a friend it is important to know what your limitations and boundaries are. Ultimately it is your friend's responsibility to come up with their own answers - not yours. If you find your own life being consumed by the struggles of a friend, you've probably taken on too much responsibility. Make certain your motives are to help your friend, not to boost your own self worth. It is also important to be discerning in what you say to your friend. Don't presume that you know exactly what they are struggling with - you don't! Situations are often similar and there is value for people who are hurting to know that they aren't alone and that people have gotten through similar pain, but in the midst of hurting a friend needs to know that you are with them in their pain, not reflecting on the injuries of your past.
Ask For Help
It never hurts to ask questions when trying to help a friend. There are many sources of help on campus and off. Seek out other friends, parents, mentors, professors, pastors and ask their advice and opinion. The Center for Counseling is also available to talk with you and help you sort out what steps to take next. Ask your friend what they need from you. Often it might be something quite simple that you would not have thought of.
If you believe that your friend might be suicidal or a danger to someone else, it is extremely important that you communicate that to your RD, RA, or contact the Center for Counseling. Someone needs to know immediately so that steps can be taken to ensure everyone's safety.
Bearing one another's burdens can be frustrating and rewarding, draining and fulfilling, but there is no greater calling than to try to uplift one another as God has commanded us to do.
"Jesus perceived that the only way to help people experience life as a gracious gift, the only way to help them to prize themselves as grace and treasure was to treat them as treasure and be gracious to them. I can be anointed, prayed over, sermonized to, dialogued with, exposed to God's unconditional love in books, tracts, and tapes, but this marvelous revelation will fall on ears that do not hear and eyes that do not see, unless some other human being refresh the weariness of my defeated days. We can only sense ourselves and our world as valued and cherished by God when we feel valued and cherished by others." James Mackey